I can't get started.

"She'd known none of them four years ago, yet they were bound to her now by many late nights, many struggles and small triumphs, and so much hope."

- The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards.

This phrase stuck with me ever since I read it sometime this week. It spoke strangely, but strongly to me. Perhaps "many late nights, many struggles and small triumphs, and so much hope" spoke the loudest.

I'm having a little trouble starting; My engine's rusting, my spirit's slightly scarred with a little pain, lost in a little race. And I really don't enjoy feeling what I'm feeling.

A little afraid, a little hesitant, a little miserable, a little "oh-don't-make-a-big-fuss-out-of-this", a little lost, a little unprepared, a little helpless, a little teary and a little weary.

You know the feeling of knowing you've accomplished so much, but feeling like you've achieved nothing at all? If you don't, then refrain from getting there. It's a difficult feeling to overcome.

I'm hanging on for hope, believing and also being extremely thankful for the little joys that come by every day. God has still been good to me, and I know that.

I keep failing to remind myself that there needs to be a boundary between school work and ministry. I've been putting so much of myself to school work, that I left a huge gap in ministry. And now, I'm finding it more difficult to reconcile, than ever.

I want so much for my girls, who are extremely precious to me. Yet here I am, giving them what's left from a whole week of slogging and working in school. That isn't good enough, is it?

I felt strong and alive in school, because God sustained me. Now, all systems are heading for a shut down, because I've been sleeping at wee hours of the night, working, all through this week. Deadlines to meet, presentations to be made, tests to sit for. It doesn't even stop there; the exams are on their way too.

This might just be what I never wanted - (Slight) Exhaustion. Not quite plunging right down to burnout yet. But it's enough to take a toll on my physical body.

Nah, I was typing this while talking to you, and I need to let you know that "I think you can =)" and "ke yi de!" cheered me up and spurred me on a lot. So here's thank you, really. Thank you! It's called talking to you with ease. The encouragements have been keeping me going each day so don't stop being encouraged too.

I was thinking back on my past; what I've done, who I was then, and where I've come from. And I concluded that I missed how I felt when I was me, then. The people who crossed paths with me then, are people I still hold close in my memories. And if you happen to be one of them, I thought of you this week. Guess what, I actually missed you too.

I'm glad I've grown through the years. Experiencing hard knocks and painful lessons definitely wasn't easy, but they had value. Thus, I had value added to me too.

So when you're looking back on your past, don't be disheartened if you feel like you've not grown, just remember that you had value added to your life, daily. Take heart in what God has done in your life, and claim the promises that He will fulfill in the days to come.

Abby, my dear AL, this was the email I was going to send you. I figured that this was going to be extremely honest and heartfelt when I was typing this entry, with emotions as raw as you can imagine. Thank you for being a great support, trying to do all you can to help me and my girls. The effort is greatly appreciated! Oh yes, I have yet to finish the prayer I was saying for you. You can bet that I will not only finish that prayer, I'll begin new ones as well.

I'm going to rest in God's love, strength and peace. Right now.